The Post Newspapers Zambia
By Kackling Kalaki on Thursday 22 October 2009, 04:00:00 CAT (24987 Reads)
The Ancient Dinosaur Nyamasoya climbed onto the podium to address the
multitude assembled before him on the lawn of the Great Palace.
'Distinguished ministers, distinguished thieves, distinguished bootlickers, distinguished liars,
distinguished money launderers, distinguished ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege to welcome you here to day to celebrate our Independence Day.
'In the past forty-five years our government has made great strides towards true independence. Some of you assembled here may be old enough to recall the first annual celebrations after independence, when ordinary citizens, at football stadiums all over the country, were given beer and food to celebrate Independence Day.
'In those early days our people had not achieved true independence, and had to be given everything by the government.
But following many years of the government policy of bringing self-reliance and independence to our people, they are nowadays able to provide for themselves on Independence Day. So today this official Independence Celebration is just for government, now that we have gained our independence from the people.
'But our independence is not complete. We look forward to the day when government is free from the burden of paying for health care and education for those of our citizens who have not yet achieved independence.
Following this example of Independence Day Celebrations, we look forward to the day when all of the government budget can then be spent on the government, and none will be wasted on the people. Only then will government be completely independent of the people, and the people will be completely independent of the government. This is what we mean by complete independence.
'And these important considerations bring me naturally to the second part of today's official proceedings, when we honour those who, by their good work over the years, have added to the independence of the government. And therefore the first distinguished citizen that I call to the podium is Mr Kafupi Wabufi!'
Amidst deafening applause, out from the main marquee emerged a tiny figure in a flapping suit three sizes too big for him. He marched proudly to the stadium and stood to attention before Nyamasoya.
'In as much as, during your term of office, you managed to empty the treasury into your pocket, thereby preventing government funds from being wasted on health and education, and thereby enabling our people to become more self-reliant and independent, I award you the Distinguished Order of the Long Finger, First Class.'
Kafupi bowed his head as Nyamasoya pinned the Long Gold Finger to his lapel.
Then, as the music played, Kafupi turned and marched proudly away. He had almost reached the marquee when he tripped over his Long Gold Finger and fell flat. But he was saved by several distinguished judges who reached out with their long fingers and quickly pulled him inside, not wishing such a distinguished citizen to suffer any public embarrassment.
By now Nyamasoya had started on the next distinguished recipient. 'Mr King Kong, in as much as you have explained to the people that the petrol shortage is entirely due to their own panicking, and also due to greedy hoarding by petrol stations, you have made clear to the people that they must be independent and solve their own problems, and not blame the government.
In recognition of your extraordinary tenacity in defending the dodgy, I award you the Undistinguished Order of the Dubious Deal, Third Class.'
The crowd laughed as Nyamasoya made several failed attempts to put the ribbon over King Kong's enormous fat head, until he finally solved the problem by putting the ribbon over his own head, accompanied by enthusiastic cheers from the crowd.
'Finally,' declared Nyamasoya, as he held up another medal, 'I have to honour the Red Lipped Snake. In as much as you have made clear that the law exists to protect the rich from the poor, and in as much you used the principle of the separation of powers to put the government above the law, I award you the Despotic Order of the Destruction of the Constitution, First Class.
As he spoke, the Red-Lipped Snake slithered out of Nyamasoya's pocket, snatched the medal, and slithered back, quicker than a crooked lawyer can say nolle prosequi.
'And now,' said Nyamasoya, 'it is my pleasure to announce the part of the proceedings that brought you here - the Great Independence Feast. You will find the buffet behind the Main Marquee.'
'Oink oink,' grunted all the fat pigs as they rushed to push their fat snouts into the trough. But imagine their anger and despair when they found the buffet already surrounded by the palace guard dogs, a pack of vicious Dobermanns, who were busy finishing off the last scraps of a few scraggy chickens.'
'What happened to our feast?' snorted an irate rhinoceros.
'RB Capital Partners were given the catering contract!' another shouted.
As the pigs squealed with rage, there came the deafening 'chump-chump-chump' of a helicopter flying overhead and away, with Nyamasoya waving out of the window.
'Where's he going?'
'Off to a royal feast with the King of Swaziland!'
'Why is he doing this?'
'He's celebrating his independence!'