The Post Newspapers Zambia
By Kalaki's Korner on Thursday 19 November 2009, 04:00:00 CAT (29676 Reads)
A beautiful demure young nun stood in the dock. The magistrate looked over towards her and said 'You are Sister Charity of the Sisters of Mercy?'
'Yes, Your Honour,' she replied.
'You are charged,' intoned the magistrate, 'with circulating obscene material, namely a wooden carving of a naked man, bleeding from many wounds, and nailed to a cross.'
'Its called a crucifix,' said Sister Charity.
'You may speak only when you are asked a
question,' said the magistrate sternly. 'I now ask the prosecutor to give the particulars of the charge.'
'Thank you,' said a bald burly buffoon, as he stood up. 'Sister Charity is accused of posting this obscene item, in a cardboard box, addressed to the President of Vice in the Ministry of Moral Depravity, the MMD, thereby intending to corrupt the morals of the President of Vice.'
'Objection, Your Honour,' said the defence
counsel. 'The prosecution has not established that this item was in any way obscene.'
'Unless my learned colleague lives in a moral vacuum,' answered the prosecutor, 'he should be aware that a model of a naked man is calculated to cause sexual arousal in both women and men, depending on their sexual orientation. In addition, such an image may tend to arouse perverted thoughts in previously innocent citizens, thereby corrupting the morals of society.'
'Objection,' said the defence counsel. 'The claims of the prosecution are mere conjecture based on their own pornographic and over-stretched imaginations, and have nothing to do with any offence committed by my client. The prosecution needs evidence that this little wooden model has actually corrupted somebody's morals.'
'I'm much obliged,' said the prosecutor, 'for the unusually wise advice from my learned colleague. I therefore call, as my first witness, the secretary to the President of Vice.'
A shapely young woman with a plunging neckline, wearing a beautifully painted face and a blond kasote, squeezed her ample posterior into the
witness box. 'Ms Painted Kapenta,' began the
prosecutor, 'what did you feel when you first opened the cardboard box and saw a naked man covered in blood?'
'I was very shocked, Your Honour. I thought he'd been beaten by party cadres, just like that poor…'
'No no,' interjected the prosecutor, 'the question is, were you sexually aroused?'
'Not at all, Your Honour. I prefer real men, not little wooden ones.'
'But when you gave it to the minister…'
'Gave what to the minister?'
'Objection,' said the defence counsel. 'The
prosecutor has omitted to ask Ms Kapenta whether her morals were corrupted, which is the essential question in a charge of obscenity.'
'Well,' said the magistrate, turning to Ms Kapenta, 'were your morals corrupted?'
'Yes,' admitted Ms Kapenta, hanging her head and blushing. 'My morals have been terribly
'Let us be clear about this,' said the prosecutor. 'You are telling the court that your morals were
terribly corrupted when you opened that dreadful little box on that fateful morning?'
'Oh no,' whispered Ms Kapenta shyly. 'It all happened one fateful morning in 1991, when my Grade Seven Biology Teacher gave me his
'Forget about your Biology teacher,' snapped the prosecutor irritably, 'and think about the minister. When you showed this little wooden carving to the minister, did he seem at all, er, how shall we say, um, did he show signs of arousal or excitement?'
'Oh yes,' said Ms Kapenta, now
brightening up. 'He stood up straight!'
'Stood up straight!' said the prosecutor, rubbing his hands together in excitement. 'And how did you manage to notice that?'
'Well, he had been sitting down in his chair, but suddenly he stood up straight!'
'And what did he do then?' asked the prosecutor eagerly.
'He threw his arms around me and gave me a big kiss!'
'So his sudden arousal,' said the prosecutor, now jumping up and down with excitement, 'was caused by this naughty obscene little object!'
'Oh no,' laughed Ms Kapenta. 'It was caused by my naughty little pink dress. It always makes him a bit frisky!'
'I think,' interrupted the magistrate, 'that this line of questioning is not getting us anywhere.'
'On the contrary,' objected the defence, 'I'd like to hear much more about her Biology Teacher and his lollipop!'
'I have heard enough,' declared the magistrate. 'It is quite clear to me that Sister Charity sent the minister this terrible image of suffering humanity as an act of charity. She wanted to shock him into a realisation of the plight of the poor and oppressed. Her intentions were honourable, and she is acquitted.
'However,' continued the magistrate, 'the same cannot be said of the behaviour of the minister and his secretary. They deliberately turned away from this heart-rending message from Jesus, and instead indulged themselves in their own physical
pleasures. This act of moral depravity is an offence against God and the people. Therefore I find them both guilty of obscene behaviour and sentence them to five years in jail.'